You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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