i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
