The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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