So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
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Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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