Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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