My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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