that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
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He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
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I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.