I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
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The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina