I puked a lego.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Is Oprah even human
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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