I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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