Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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