sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
