life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
