i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
