I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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