Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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