I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
