my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
