At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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