As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
