He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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