i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
