The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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