Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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