Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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