Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
