No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
