Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
