i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
