i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We left the knife in your bed.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
