God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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