Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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