I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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