I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
They took my balls.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
