fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Come on in and take your pants off
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