the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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