Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
