btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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