he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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