Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
