It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again