I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?