dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
