Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
