I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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