oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
