dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
