Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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