Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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