I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
