In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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