Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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