Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
