If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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