i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
