New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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