Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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