how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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