Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
